There is a Hell, Believe Me I Wrote it
by DanceSonicDance
Summary: Sonic x Shrek x Bring Me The Horizon. Follows the immediate events of the divorce between Oli Sykes and Hannah Snowdon, were it to take place in an alternate reality. Sonic and Shrek accompany Oli Sykes on a journey of self discovery, personal growth and immense strife.


LE PROLOGUE

It was a cold night in early Spring. Oli Sykes was sat in a dimly lit room, his head in his hands, his wife's phone on the table. A knock on his apartment door stirs him from his pensiveness, and he blinks himself back into the room. Oli opens the door to his long time friend. There stood a blue hedgehog. He was about three feet tall, he wore white gloves, a pair of red and white running shoes and a black bomber jacket with the words ''live fast'' emblazoned on the back. His hair was slicked back like a 50's greaser, and he held himself with an almost nervous disposition. Sonic, was his name. He would look around anxiously, fidgeting and never focusing on one spot for more than a second. Some say it was his time spent as a mercenary that made him this way, but others wager it's his ongoing drug dependency. He spoke in a hard Boston accent.  
''What the hell is going on, Oli? You sounded really upset on the phone.''  
''Sonic mate, I can't believe it. Hannah's been cheating on me'' Oli said, his thick Yorkshire accent slipping over his words. ''Jesus fucking Christ'' Sonic grunted, lighting a cigarette. ''What did I say to you before the wedding? I told you she was too good to be true''. Sonic had been Oli's best man, he'd always made his reservations about Hannah known, but he never wanted to actually be right. ''I just can't believe it.'' Said Oli. ''I thought she was t' one, but like, she isn't. What am I supposed to do with all these collab shirts we did for my wildly successful clothing line?'' pointing the masses of cardboard boxes overflowing with t shirts that adorned his front room. ''I'll tell you what you fucking do,'' Sonic asserted. ''You've got her phone, right? post on that slut's instagram about her cheating on you. The backlash from the thousands of impressionable teenagers will be biblical.''  
''You're right Sonic...you're always right.'' Oli snatched the phone off the table and began typing a slanderous message onto Hannah's social media accounts. ''That'll fucking her show her not to cheat on me'' Oli barked. ''Fuck this, I need to get fucking shit faced. Fuck.'' Oli hastily made the rounds of his living room, grabbing his Drop Dead designer jacket, only £79.99, his wallet and keys. ''Pub then, is it?'' asked Sonic knowingly. ''Nah mate'' said Oli. ''I need some fucking ket.''  
''Woah Oli, don't overreact. Remember what happened last time? I've never seen someone so-''  
''KETAMINE'' Oli interrupted. Sonic took a long, thoughtful drag of his cigarette. ''Fine, we'll get some ketamine. I know a guy, I get my speed off him, he'll sort you out. Let's go''.

CHAPTER ONE: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD LAYER

''So where did you say this guy lives again? A fucking swamp? In Sheffield?'' Asked Oli.  
''Yeah. Big guy. Acts all tough but he's soft really. Went a bit off the rails after his wife left him for a prince or something. Took his three kids too. Now he just gets tilted on the reg and deals from his house'' said Sonic.  
''Bloody Hell. How do you know this guy again?''  
''It's a long story. Being an anthropomorphic animal, you tend to mix with your own kind. I met this donkey at a strip club after what happened in '06 and we got talking. The club was closing and he said we could go back to his place for some lines. Went back, and there this guy was, scooping up eyeballs or some shit. Said it was for a casserole. I thought it was just the acid tab I'd taken at the beginning of the night but round here it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't.'' Oli spent a second or two digesting this information. He gathered himself and spoke, ''what the _Hell?_ '' The two continued walking down the streets. The remnants of a heavy rain doused the pavements and the flickering street lamps lit their path. There was an atmosphere that hung in the air. An atmosphere of murk and gloom. An atmosphere of lust. ''Right, we've got to go down here.'' Sonic said, nodding at an alleyway. ''Down there? Down fucking there?' That's fucking Labyrinth Zone, we'll never leave.''  
''Would you calm the fuck down? You just need to know where to put your feet.''  
''The last thing I need tonight is to get fucking mugged by some bastard cyborg.''  
''Relax, I know what I'm doing''.  
Sonic began to lead the way. There was no light, just a chain link fence on one side and a brick wall on the other. Nerves ran high, any gust of wind or drop of rain was enough to set Oli on edge. As they began to reach the end of a seemingly limitless stretch, a figure stirred under a street light, letting out a drunken groan. Oli grabbed Sonic by the arm and pulled him behind a steel bin. ''What the fuck is that?'' he whispered in a panic. ''It's just some drunk homeless guy Oli chill the fuck out, we'll just walk around him.'' They gingerly began to approach the man. As they got closer, more and more of his appearance became clear. He was bald, and morbidly obese. The man lacked a shirt, but he wore round sun glasses and held a wine bottle in his hand. A long, crooked nose curled over a bushy mustache, and years of wrinkles lined his forehead. As the two were directly adjacent to him, it dawned on Sonic. ''Oh fuck, it's Eggman'' he gasped.

The man looked up, he screamed ''YOU FUCKING GAY BLUE FUCK'' with malice and saliva spraying out of his mouth. He lunged forward, grabbing Sonic by the neck and pinning him to the wall. ''MY EMPIRE OF ROBOTS'' he slurred, a thousand drinks on his breath. ''YOU RUINED EVERYTHING''. He slammed Sonic back against the wall. ''Help me Oli, help!'' Sonic cried through the vice grip Eggman had on his throat. ''Oh fucking hell, fuck!'' Oli danced on the spot looking for something he could use to separate the two. He looked down, and saw a bin lid. Visions of Captain America flashed in front of his eyes, and before even he knew it he'd picked up the lid and began smashing it against Eggman's back. Eggman dropped Sonic to the ground and turned to Oli, smashing his wine bottle against the wall. ''YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, CUNT'' Eggman growled, brandishing the shattered neck of the bottle. Oli fell to the floor, backing away on his hands and feet, sheer terror pouring over his face. Suddenly, Eggman stopped, and his expression dropped. Oli looked him up and down, only to see a giant, green fist had emerged from Eggman's stomach. With a cry of ''HELLO THERE'' the fist pulled back out of Eggman, taking his spine and flesh with it. His body slumped to the floor like a half full sack of potatoes. Above him stood a 7 foot beast, with skin of green and a white wife beater vest now patterned with blood. ''Shrek!'' Sonic exclaimed. ''Thank God, you saved us''. Shrek looked at Sonic and Oli. ''Aye, it would appear ae have.'' He said in a rough Scottish accent. ''What in the Hell are you tae doin' down 'ere in the first place ya couple a wee dafties?'' he asked. Sonic said, ''We were actually coming to see you. My friend wanted to buy some K.'' Oli hadn't moved, traumatized by the mutilation he had witnessed. ''Oh well why didnae ye say so? Come on we'll sort ye out.'' Said Shrek, pulling Oli up off the floor.

''Right then ye couple a wee drug heads, here we are'' Shrek announced proudly, hands on hips, admiring his home. He pushed the door open and turned on the light inside. Upon walking in they were met with a cindering fire place, a living room filled with tatty furniture and an incapacitated mule on the sofa. ''Is he alright like?'' Oli asked Shrek. ''Aye he'll be fine, he's just in the K hole. Stupid Donkey, ketamine is fae horses.'' He chuckled. ''Any way you lads are aftae some ketamine yeselves?'' Oli responded ''yeah mate that's right, my wife's been cheating on me with some other bloke and I need summit to get me head off. Also I think donkeys can take ketamine too and be alright so are you sure he's K holing?'' Shrek glanced at Oli with a furrowed brow. ''What are ye, some kind of equestrian expert? He's a fairy tale creature, not a normal donkey so shut it ye wee fanny.'' He paused. ''Aye I'm sorry tae hear about ye wife lad, I know what it's like tae have ye missus cross ye like that. Fucking bitch Fiona. I want tae see my bastard kids!'' he roared at the ceiling. ''What is this, twilight? Get yourself together Shrek.'' Sonic snapped, taking a seat in a crooked arm chair. ''Now are we going to get these drugs sorted or not?'' Shrek took a deep breath and approached a hollowed out human skull. He lifted it, and from underneath produced several pouches of ketamine bagged by the gram. ''How much are ye after?'' he asked. ''Two grams I think mate.'' Said Oli. ''That'll be sixty bob then pal.'' Oli handed over the money and took the drugs. ''Finally. Now are we going to go get fucked up then? The night is young my dysfunctional friends'' Sonic jumped up from his seat, arms open in proposition. ''Yeah, yeah that sounds good. Where are we going?'' Oli pondered. ''There's a fucken filthy night club across town, full ae women ae all kinds, human, fairy tale and knee high animals. What dae ye say to that then boys?'' Shrek bellowed. Oli whispered to Sonic, ''Did you say he could come out with us?'' a hint of annoyance in his tone. ''Allow it. You do not want to stop him when he's got his heart set on partying'' Sonic noted. ''Fine'' Said Oli. ''Yeah okay we'll go there. What's it called?''  
''Bulge!'' said Shrek. ''Fucking Bulge? isn't that a gay bar?'' Oli said displeased. ''Oh nae, that's just a front. It's really a fucked up multi-realm rave. You're gonna be of ye nut sunshine. Let's go.''

CHAPTER TWO: HORSE SHOES AND HAND JOBS

Flashing lights and thumping bass filled the room. It was like nothing Oli had ever seen, there were creatures here of all kinds, some disgusting, some pedestrian, and some worryingly arousing. ''Right then boys, first rounds on me!'' Shrek exclaimed. ''What are ye havin' lad?'' he nudged Oli's arm, bruising it in the process. ''I'll have a whiskey please mate'' he said, grateful for the offer. ''You know me Shrek, neat gin with a lime and one of those little umbrellas. If it doesn't have the umbrellas I'll put a glass in the face of anyone who stops me kicking off'' stated Sonic. Shrek bounded off to the bar, pushing through the crowd of people like a plow through snow. ''Are you sure this place is alright Sonic? There's some shady fuckers lurking around here.'' Oli remarked. ''Yeah some of them are the rummest people you'll ever meet, die hard criminals who'll kill you for so much as breathing near them. But they're alright really. This is also one of the best places to pick up women in the entirety of Yorkshire'' he claimed, a smirk creeping across his face. ''Hey, check her out'' Sonic pointed across the room to a girl in all black, wearing fishnet stockings, high heels and a dangerously short dress. ''I'm going in, see you soon pal'' Sonic said with determination, lighting a cigarette. ''Okay then mate, I'm gonna go into the bathroom and take this'' he said, pointing at the transparent bag of ketamine.

Oli entered a bathroom stall and began shoveling ketamine onto his apartment key with his finger. Oli snorted several keys, wiped the excess off his nose and exited the stall. He took a look at himself in the bathroom mirror. He ran his hands through his hair, and watched himself as his brown eyes dilated. ''Fuck. Me'' he said to himself, as he felt the drugs begin to take effect. Walking out of the bathroom back onto the dance floor he found himself overcome with a new sense of enthusiasm for the club. The music excited him, the cheap drinks and the cheaper women overcame his perception and he began to bob his head to the rhythm uncontrollably. Shrek approached him, ''Here's ye drink lad, get it down ye hehehe'' he giggled, throwing back his pint like a shot. ''Okay'' Oli said excitedly, embracing the burn of the whiskey as if it were a kiss on the cheek. Oli dropped his glass and it smashed on the floor at his feet. ''Woah haha watch yeself there lad, are ye feeling alright?'' Shrek asked, still laughing. ''I feel fucking brilliant'' said Oli. ''I need to dance. It's just what I have to do.'' And with that, Oli thrust himself onto the dance floor.

His arms flailing above his head like a maniac and sweat running down his face, he was truly in his element. Oli felt alive, the dance floor was his canvas, his body his paint. He found all his inhibitions to be lost. He was dancing with every girl he happened to meet eyes with, human women, fairy tale creatures that slightly resembled women, and even the odd animal. Oli was grinding on girls left and right, he was in ecstasy. Then, Oli felt himself being grinded on. He spun around, ready to throw a punch at whoever was doing this to him, only to see Shrek there. Oli stopped, and a million thoughts flooded his head. He found himself oddly comfortable with the situation. He turned back around, and slowly backed himself into Shrek. ''That's the stuff laddy!'' Shrek shouted above the music. Suddenly, the music, the dancing, and seemingly everything stopped at the command of a single exclamation.

''What the fuck?'' a voice spat with anger. Oli looked in the direction of the altercation, and saw Sonic with the girl he spied as they entered pressed against the club wall, both seemingly paralyzed with her hand down his jeans. A man aggressively approached Sonic, all eyes on them. It was popular actor and Jedi Liam Neeson, backed by an entourage of goons. Neeson was also the cities most ruthless pimp. ''What the fuck do you think you're doing with one of MY girls without paying ME you fucking sack of shit'' his soothing Irish accent nowhere to be found. ''Well? Speak you blue freak!'' Neeson commanded, pushing Sonic and knocking his drink out of his hand. Sonic removed a packet of cigarettes from his jacket pocket, slowly pulled one out and placed it in his mouth. He then reached down the bra of the girl, picked a zippo out and lit his cigarette. After a long, suspenseful drag, Sonic exhaled the smoke into the air. Neeson motioned towards Sonic once more, and quick as lightning Sonic forced the lit end of his cigarette into Neeson's cheek. ''Arrgghh!'' he cried out and recoiled in pain, giving Sonic enough time to pull a switch knife from his back pocket and the girl's hand from his jeans. Sonic flicked the blade up and began slashing wildly in the direction of anyone who approached him, a violent grin on his face. ''Come on, mother fuckers! Which one of you shit eating bastards is gonna make my night?'' he beckoned at the crowd. ''Oh Jesus'' sighed Oli. ''Right then, time tae get tae work'' Shrek said, rubbing his hands together.

Before he could even say 'what the fuck' Oli found himself in the midst of a full blown bar fight. Glasses were being thrown and smashed left and right, furniture was no longer for decoration or utility, it was a weapon and if it wasn't being cracked over someone's back it wasn't fulfilling its new purpose. There we no sides to the fight, the crowd saw the opportunity for violence and leaped at it. Oli felt a hand slam down on his shoulder and was quickly spun around to be met by a punch from one of Liam Neeson's goons. Oli fell to the floor, ''Your friend has just dug your fucking grave, pretty boy'' the goon grimaced, crouched over Oli. Oli spat in the man's eyes and jumped to his feet. Fueled by adrenaline and the powder courage he'd taken, Oli began throwing punches and grappling with the goon. The goon landed a shot to Oli's stomach, grabbed him by his shirt and threw him across a table, smashing the glasses on top of it. Oli hit the floor with great force, glass embedded in his side. ''Fucking Hell!'' he groaned in pain. The goon withdrew a short blade from his pocket and approached Oli. Desperate for help, Oli cried out, ''Shrek!'' Like a Peregrine Falcon on a pigeon, Shrek's mighty fists grasped the goon, lifted him off the ground and began using him as a means of beating other goons. Shrek and Oli stood back to back, fighting off their attackers. ''Where's Sonic?!'' Oli yelled to Shrek. ''Over there!'' Shrek pointed across room, and Oli followed his muscular finger to a bizarre scene. Sonic was atop a man, repeatedly stabbing him in the chest with several others trying to pull him off. Sonic appeared to be foaming at the mouth, as if possessed. ''Bloody Hell, we've got to stop him!'' Oli shouted, and he began running to the fight. ''Sonic stop it you fucking lunatic!'' he screamed. Sonic looked up from his victim, and said calmly ''Alright mate? How's it going? We heading off then?'' Bewildered by Sonic's response, Oli could only muster a stunned ''Yeah, we're going now''. Sonic stood up, and lit another cigarette. ''Nice one'' he said. Sonic waved to Shrek and gestured that they were leaving. Shrek dropped the body of a goon he'd likely bludgeoned to death against another goon and walked towards them both.

''I'm never doing drugs again.'' Oli said to Sonic. Sonic looked at Oli in annoyed disbelief, ''fuck off mate of course you are, that was a great night out. Admittedly got a little hairy towards the end but they always do. Where are we headed now then?'' Oli assessed his options. ''Back to mine then I guess, do the rest of this ketamine, maybe spark a zoot'' he shrugged. After a short walk the three arrived back at Oli's apartment. Oli unlocked the door, and was met with a sight he didn't expect. ''Hannah, what are you doing here?'' he stammered. ''What do you fucking think I'm doing here? Did you expect to just get away with publicly slandering me on my own fucking instagram?'' she screeched. ''Oi don't you fucking make me out to be the bad guy, you're the one who's been cheating on me you fucking bitch'' he retorted. She approached him and slapped him in the face. ''WHAT DO YE THINK YOU ARE DOING?'' Shrek roared. Before anyone could object Shrek lifted Hannah off the ground with ease and threw her out of the second story window. ''What the fuck?!'' Oli shouted, running towards the window. ''Classic Shrek'' laughed Sonic, lighting a cigarette. ''Oh shitting fucking shit, she's fucking dead!'' Oli shouted. ''Good'' Shrek stated. ''Good? This is anything but fucking good'' Oli snapped. ''What the fuck do we do?'' Shrek sounded out, ''I could eat the body, naebody will ever know a thing''. Oli sat down on his sofa and placed his hands in front of his mouth as if to prey. ''Does anyone have any ideas that aren't fucking stupid?'' he said. ''We frame someone. Say someone came in, tried to steal something then pushed her out the window''. Sonic said. ''Right, well, I guess we could do that'' said Oli. ''Who do we frame then?'' Sonic lit a cigarette and put his hand to his chin, thinking. He snapped his fingers, ''Amy. Amy Rose. And the best part is, we wouldn't even have to frame her. She'd do anything if it meant I slept with her, even taking the fall for a murder.''


End file.
